It's more than the fishnets that are torn.

I'm in a derby slump.
I think I've lost my drive to skate. I've lost the drive to pass fresh meat and to get on a team and to help out the League. Part of me still wants it, but that part is muffled right now and ambivalence has taken over. Case in point; during the fresh meat try-out I didn't even try out. I had the attitude of if I make it cool, if I don't, whatever. I think they just passed me because I was a transfer.
This is severely bothering me as I still love and still have The Passion for derby. I obsess over it and constantly read the message boards, read all the postings on the RCR forum, and stalk DNN (I even read all the comments). I've just lost my desire to skate. Why?
One reason could be the transition to Rose City. I just came from one of the smallest leagues in the WFTDA - a place where I had a history and where we all knew soooo much about each other - to one of/if not the largest leagues where they have four home teams, two travel teams, junior derby, a 40 person fresh meat class, and a recreational team - not to mention the refs and staff. I think that the total is either 140 or 200... something like that. Whatever the number, I just know it's HUGE, and I don't really know any of them. I've been to a few off skates events, three bouts, a few scrimmages, and FM & Wreckers practices, and am on the forum, and I still don't really know/hang out with any of them. There's maybe two or three that I feel comfortable enough to let them know that I'm Larry - not just OSB. There's definitely a lack of open arms here.
Another hang up that I've been thinking about is the "Anger" aspect. When I was in the VA, I was serving in the Navy and I was constantly pissed off at them for one thing or another; my cup runneth over with motivation to hit a bitch or skate as fast as I could to quell the demons. I was constantly stressed out and derby was my release. Practice was where I could go to forget about my non-derby life; it was my escape. Now... now I am happy. Now I am stress-free. Now the only thing that pisses me off is when my roommates are too loud or if the bus is full and I have to stand. I can't channel silly things like those into old skool beatdowns (not capitalized as that is in reference to what I do - as opposed to my name)!
So what am I to do? I want to be a part of RCR by passing FM and getting back onto a home team and skate at the Expo, but if my heart isn't in it, then what's the point? "Derby isn't something you can do half-assed" said one skater, and I completely agree.